I am not the world and the world’s not me

I am

This will be my first post where I have not reached the end of my journey, but felt an urgency within my heart that there are other girls having these feelings. They need the comfort and assurance that they are not  alone. Those of you following my blog will remember a post a while back called, “Glorious Surrender”. it was about leaving the security of your nest and becoming separated from your parents. My journey dates all the way back  from that blog post. Looking back, even knowing I am not finished, I see the process as very natural and inevitable. This process brought me to a place where I was searching for something inside of me I could not seem to find. As we sometimes may think that people saying the following , ” I need to find myself” are just weird, but this is not a weird thing at all, it’s actually very normal and natural. Before I stepped into this journey I was one of the outsiders calling those people weird, and now I am weird. One of the reasons we also should not judge, we don’t know the feelings and emotions connected to what the people around us are going through. We have the job only to firmly love.

As I mentioned in my previous blog I am married and still quite young. I have moved out of my parents house straight into the married life. The thing marriage does, that is not so spoken about is that it reveals you, not in a creepy way, but in a way you have to face things you don’t want to face. This is a good thing, but in my case I was not sure if this was the right place to do it. I had to face, myself, I had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself who am I? What do I want to portray to the rest of the world and what is burning inside of my heart yearning to come out? So I became one of those weirdos telling people I am searching in every door and cabinet trying to find who I am. This journey can not be completed in a week, it’s something that takes time, you walk into the door and then come back out and then walk back in again. The point I am trying to make is it’s trying to discover what you like and what you don’t and sometimes you have to try it three times to know you don’t like what it portrays or how it makes you feel. People may think this is very dramatic and over the top, but it’s something you should not ignore. Don’t move away from something tugging at your heart just because the world sees it differently. Deal with what you are feeling and experiencing it’s the only way you will feel satisfied. And if you think about it somewhere in life you start to see things differently and then a simple thought can snowball into something big you end up discovering.

I want to be really clear on what I am about to say that this is my opinion I am not stating it as a fact it’s how I feel going through this journey and others may portray it differently. I don’t think it’s the best idea getting married and still living with your parents especially if you are still very young, like me :). I really wish that I could’ve gone through this journey before getting married, and the thing that brought me to this journey is leaving my parents home. And I don’t count studying and living in a hostel as leaving your parents home. It’s when you leave their home and become independent not relying on them every step of the way, but trying to figure things out for yourself. It builds confidence and it brings you to a place where you face yourself.

I wish I knew these things before getting married, but I didn’t and it’s ok. It’s not changing the path it’s just adjusting the scenery. I love my marriage and this is not about me not being happily married it’s about what you come to face when you leave your parents house and become your own individual. Even though I feel this is not the ideal situation to be in I am choosing to still embrace it with a good spirit and heart. This is a difficult thing to go through and as a body we should be supporting one another in these ways of life. Be the ear to listen or the hand to hug. Be the strength when one is weak, but most of all be the praying warrior the one you can not see that keep their heads up. We need to walk through the dessert to get to the refreshing wisdom. My journey is not over it barely begun, but I have to be excited about what the end result might bring. So ladies just keep moving forward and extending a hand as you go, you will reach the other side with a big smile and a satisfied heart.

And remember you are not weird!

*Thank you Lord for being the answer to a question we don’t have.


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